August 31, 2015

You Gotta Know When . . . .

"You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away, know when to run."
We all know the infamous tune by Kenny Rogers, but what is the application to your life? For me, it is a constant struggle when trying to figure out how much to get involved in a school culture, that has in many ways, rejected what I have tried to share. I'm not resentful-- although it has taken me more than a year to reach this place and was a key reason for me to begin blogging in the first place. I am, however, curious. I am chewing on the reasons for my perceived rejection, as well as trying to become cognizant of the acceptance that does exist. 
Let me be blunt: When feeling like every interaction ends with frustration, when/do you stop trying to connect with admin?

Brene Brown often says, "Don't hustle for your worthiness." Got it. But there is extreme fear to think that your employers find no value in your work. The spinning out begins. The what-if's rear their ugly heads and in the end, my compelling need to belong and be valued drive me straight into her office. Usually at 7:00 am, after practicing the entire drive to work every possible scenario of conversation. In the end-- I leave feeling less understood and now annoying as well. Dammit.

Okay. I resolve to stay in my room and just let the rest of the school be. After all, as Aunt Paula says: Not my circus, not my monkey.  Well that works until it involves my student, or my class. Ugh. So, I advocate for students. However, the narrative that I have created is that I had better be cautious. I cannot predict when my advocating will be acknowledged,  and when it will be perceived as a challenge and undermining to authority. 

Case in point: Student is suspended on 4th day of school. Reason given: suspected computer hacking. SUSPECTED. SUSPECTED! He said that he could hack computers (14 years old) and then when some wacky glitches occurred (regular glitches), he's suspended. OUT of school. My take was that he was trying to make a connection (he's new to our school). If he was a serious hacker, he probably wouldn't be so braggy about it. And, he was punished before anything was really known. 

So, my question is: Do I do anything? I feel strongly that this is wrong and unfair. BUT-- I am scared to start the year with a perceived challenge on authority. In the end, I think I have to ask myself: Will my message be heard? No. No, it won't. So now what? . . . . .